Aria, Spencer and Hanna are chilling outside Emily’s old casa as Spencer retells the Garrett Incident. Grumpy Hanna is not in the mood to hear other people’s problems tonight and starts bitching about the car’s temperature. There is no question in Hanna’s mind for why Garrett has Jenna’s clay pot. OBVIOUSLY, Garrett is just bringing raw meat to feed to Jenna’s cat. Problem solved. When Spencer pokes a small whole in Hanna’s theory (the fact that Jenna does not actually have a cat), Hanna retorts with the only logical conclusion; Garrett was bringing raw meat for Jenna. Aria tries to change the direction of conversation.
Aria: Hanna I see Emily, so stop being such a bitch. Why is Emily in her old house anyway?
Hanna: Something about her stupid alarm system. No one should be worried about crime in this town anymore now that your little bro is on house arrest.
Aria: Hanna not cool.
Hanna: I mean, there is no other illegal activity going on in this town. It is not like my bf is running an illegal phone hacking op or A is trying to kill us. Mike was the only problem.
Spencer: Hanna, if you get laid in the woods underneath the sound of owls swooping down for prey, would you be less of a bitch?
The girls see Garrett and his studmobile pull up outside of Jenna’s house, which is across the street from Emily’s house, which is next to Garrett’s parent’s house. Emily delivers a very beneficial play-by-play of Garrett sneaking out of his car and slithering into Jenna’s house. The PLL’s follow him with stealth, well except for Hanna who stomps over in her oversized wedge shoes. Her stomping is justified though because Jenna is blind, so she can’t hear. The Liar’s then witness something so horrifying that it would even cause a shiver in Voldemort’s spine. Through the window they watch Jenna stripping down to her unmentionables and Garrett sexing her up. I am pretty sure every single PLL wishes she was blind right about now.
Marin House Madness:
Emily has made herself right at home in the Marin household and is using the kitchen floor as her personal gym. Hanna her to cool it with the working out; they did enough working out together last night in their bedroom. When neither of them could sleep. Before they could talk more about their late night “sit-ups,” a disheveled Mr. Marin comes stumbling down the stairs for the most awkward walk of shame of all time.
Hanna thinks this is the funniest thing in the world. Emily, on the other hand, believes that if she doesn’t make eye contact with anyone she will become invisible. Tom reaches for the never ending coffee fountain only to discover, that it has run dry. Hanna looks at her dad and goes “Sorry dad. I told the powers that be to stop the fountain as soon as I heard you and mom getting it on last night. If you want to sleep in this house you’ve gotta make you own coffee.”
Ashley comes running down the stairs screaming “Tom! NO! I thought you were going to stay in bed! We can’t let the… Oh, hi girls. Um, how is your breakfast.” Tom and Ashley have some gross sexually charged parent conversation until Ashley notices an envelope from Baltimore on the kitchen counter. Inside this envelope from Baltimore is a wedding invitation for Tom and Isabel… in six weeks. Do you smell that, guys? That is shit hitting the fan.
Spencer’s Very Long Day
Wren stops by the Hastings Manor with “flowers for Melissa.” Wren tells Spencer that he is starting a rotation at the renowned Rosewood Community today. Spencer’s ears pop straight up and questions just start spewing from her mouth “Where are the autopsy’s done? Was Alli’s done in Rosewood Com? Who does the autopsy? Where are those records? How do I break into that office?” Wren stands there confused for a second but just responds with “So, um I’m knackered. Coffee?” Spencer says that she can’t get her caffeine fix on with Wren, because she has a boyfriend, and Wren panics for hot second. He decides to make sure that Spencer is aware that he is British and offers to have a cuppa tea instead.
Spencer can’t seem to catch a break today because Garrett starts to stalk her as soon as she arrives at her locker.
Garrett: I am at school to teach Drivers Ed. I am going to scare kids into not texting and driving. Isn’t that the funniest thing you have heard ever?
Spencer: Um, yeah, but no.
Garrett: So about yesterday. What was up with all those autopsy questions and jokes about Ian not being Allison’s killer.
Spencer: Um biology class triggered those questions. Totally a logical connection. Speaking of Allison’s death, I have to go to class.
Mike’s little nighttime activities have become a talking point as Rosewood High. While walking to class (does he really go to class?) one of Mike’s old teammates pulls him aside to talk. He asks him about whether he has traded his LAX stick for a crow bar and Mike flips a shit. Thankfully Ella overhears this little dispute and breaks it up just in time. Mike just blows her off when she tries to get an explanation of what has just happened. Later that night, Mike is in his room actually doing homework. Ella checks up on him to revisit the fight at school. She finally puts down her foot about the whole felony debacle. It turns out this whole breaking and entering thing is just Mike rebelling about his mom moving out and in and maybe out again. Poor Ella.
So to my surprise, Aria has yet to drop pottery class. Ezra comes by to say hi because he is a lost little puppy and just wants some love. He makes a ghost reference, and then starts making out with Aria’s neck. Aria is like hold your horses there fella, I got a pot to finish glazing. Ezra gets the hint and brings up the whole “Dinner Party Incident.”
Ezra: Aria, it’s okay, boys do stupid things all the time. I mean, I dated my student for god sakes when I was a young boy.
Aria (all non chalantly): Pshh, he has done it before. Jason caught him red handed.
Ezra: Wait the Jason that you were eye fucking the entire dinner party?
Aria avoids answering the question and, in desperation, Ezra asks if he should be worried about this long haired Jason fellow. Oh, Fitzy, the fact that you even had to ask that questions gives you the answer.
Emily is looking through her locker when she hears a loud *POP* at the end of the hallway. She turns and sees that her father has apparated from Texas to Rosewood. Everytime he mentions “Danby” and “Scout”, you can actually see Emily’s ulcer growing more and more. It is not until Mr. Fields walks completely out of ear shot that Emily is on the floor, giving birth to an ulcer.
Hanna and Spencer run to the hospital to comfort and cuddle Emily.
Spencer: Em, sweetie, ulcers can heal. I am here to make you feel better.
Hanna: But there is a hole. There is a hole in her stomach.
Spencer: We got it. A hole. Moving on.
Emily: Dad. Fake Scholarship. Lying. Need to tell truth.
Hanna: Yeah, can’t keep lying with these holes in your stomach.
Spencer: MOVING ON!!!
Aria (enters late): Sorry guys. Illegal relationship troubles. Don’t worry though, I brought Emily Coffee.
Hanna: Three words Aria. “ Hole. In. Stomach.” That means no coffee dumbass.
Emily: Emily has made up her mind. Emily can’t lie to her father anymore. Emily is telling father the truth about fake scholarship.
(All I could think of while Hanna was speaking in this scene was the Flames Scene from Clue).
Emily discovers that she somehow the Human Growth Hormone is in her system and she is outraged for many reasons (as am I). One is because well, she has never taken HGH and the other is her swimming career may be over. As Emily goes to put some grub in her holey stomach, she is greeted by a note from her friendly neighbor A. “Do you need some cream with your coffee. –A”
My visceral reaction was “Jokes on you A…Emily can’t drink coffee with an ulcer.” Quickly I realized, that was the point, and the joke was indeed one me. So as we all can infer, A poisoned Emily’s pain cream.
**The Cell Biology Major in me won’t let this hang. This is virtually impossible. I know a lot of things on this show are ridiculous, but this is just over the top. Emily has been using this cream for maybe 2 days AT MOST. The reality of her body absorbing a protein this large into her blood stream and having it show up on test is unrealistic. Okay. My rant is done. Moving on. **
While Spencer scours the hospital directory for the morgue location, Wren pops his little head into the frame like a little weasel.
Wren: “Cheerio Spencer. I will bring you to your mate Emily’s room…. Nope, that’s half pea/half vomit green colored hallway is the 3rd floor morgue floor. Your best friend has a better view than those dead people."
The only words she hears come out of Wrens mouth were “3rd Floor” and “Morgue.” She convinces Aria to meet her down at the third floor and the two of them switch into candy striper outfits.
The two candy
strippers stripers try to calm Emily on the whole pain cream thing. Spencer is worried about her boo’s internal organs, but all Emily can think about is Danby. Emily starts to tell it as it is:
“Spencer, A is taking us down. Aria is probably next.” What? Where did that come from Emily? Why is Aria the next logical target for A’s murderous game and not Spencer?
Mr. Fields enters the hospital room, saving Emily from having to explain her Aria death sentence statement. The stripers exit the room, leaving Emily to explain the whole Danby mess to her father. Just as she is about to purge out all her darkest secrets, daddy dearest tells her to no longer worry about her scholarship. His little girl’s health is the most important thing in the world, and swimming comes after that. Phew, major save for Emily.
The Great Escape:
As Hanna and Emily walk to school they spot Caleb doing an illegal phone deal in an open field under a neon sign reading “Illegal Activity Occurring Here”. Hanna also notices a man sitting inside a Chevy, with fifty pictures of Caleb taped to the dashboard. Her Spidey sense starts to tingle, Caleb is in trouble.
Later that day, Caleb is standing under the same Flashing Neon Sign when Hanna pulls up in her Audrey Hepburn outfit and a getaway car.
She drives Caleb to one of Spencer’s many lake houses and finally tells Caleb about the creepy guy following him. The two start talking closely, and caressing ensues. Hanna hears owls above which tells her sex may be the next step, but she is unsure because no P!NK music is playing in the background. The camera cuts away before we know what happens.
Spencer the Spy (and Aria the Sidekick)
Sparia find their way back to the 3rd floor morgue to steal some files.
Before anything starts, Spencer tells Aria that all she needs to do is stand and look pretty, and look at the door. Aria is all on board with her duties until she notices that the coroner as been eating cookies during his autopsies. Spencer rolls her eye and tells Aria “Really, baby. We watch Rizzoli & Isles every week. You know food stays fresh in a morgue.” Aria agrees, and they continue on their search.
Spencer Howser M.D. continues to translate the coroner’s report into English for Aria to understand. They figure out that Allison was attacked from behind and that Ali’s skull was indented; most likely from a field hockey stick. Spencer used her mom’s work on SVU to decipher that Allison was also buried alive! Now that is creepy, even Allison doesn’t deserve that.
Spencer brings the coroner’s report to ulcer girl, in hopes of keeping her stress level down. They spend the rest of the night, lying in bed, sorting through the papers. While cuddling, they realize that Page 5 is missing. Spencer is sure that she didn’t drop any pages and all other pages are present. I bet you guys can guess what happened. A threw it out.
In the closing credita NEXT A DEAD BODY AROSE FROM THE SLAB. This isn’t Buffy so it is not a vampire, and this is not Pushing Daisies so we know the Pie Maker didn't bring someone back to life for a minute. What was that!!
Let me know your thoughts on the episode and my post. All comments are welcome!