Saturday, August 13, 2011

Pretty Little Liars 2x09: "Aria... The New Catnip for Pedophiles Everywhere"

Morning Adventures
Aria is at Ezra’s apartment for an early morning make-out session After Ezra goes to turn off his 7:21 alarm, he turns into Jason. Instead of shrieking  “Why is this ugly monster in Fitz’s bed,” Aria continues to make out with Jason… until her own alarm wakes her up. Everyone can take a big old deep breath now, the Jaria make-out session was only a dream.

Over at the morgue, Hanna and Emily have decided to join Spencer in the “Candy Striper Game”. They stand lookout while Spencer snoops around for the missing page from Allison’s coroner’s report.  

Spencer’s Scooby nose is not having luck today though. The page is nowhere to be found, and the coroner’s computer is password protected.  Does Hanna not remember that her boyfriend is a professional hacker from Allentown who used to be involved with hacking government websites? His expertise could have been useful in this very situation. Spencer is on full “Jason Did It” mode. Since A got killed by an object that may be a hockey stick and Jason may have had a hockey stick, he is the ONLY suspect. This may be just a guess, but I bet there were a ton of field hockey girls that hated Alison as well. Anyway, the three girls get distracted because Jenna and a nurse emerge from the elevator talking about Jenna’s miracle soon to be eye-surgery. Are surgery and the morgue on the same floor or is Jenna just there to feel her donor’s eyes?

Back at the Marin’s, Emily is throwing away every cream in her room, fearing that A poisoned them all.
 
Hanna: Ems honey, do you really think that A came in and poisoned ALL of your lotions. I mean that does not seem like something A would do.
Emily: I know.  A draws the line at videotaping us having slumber parties, but I just want to be safe. Also I am throwing out your creams too because since we U-hauled A will not know whose creams are whose.
Hanna: Don’t throw away that cream, it was 100 dollars and reminds me of Mona.
Emily:  You mean you stole it. Also HGH=Bacne and Beards, we don’t want that now do we.

Ezbian Drama
Emily and Aria are strolling around the Rosewood halls when Jason weasels his head into the frame. After a few moments bitching about how creepy Jason is, Emily realizes that Aria has a stream of drool flowing from her mouth while she stares at Jason.

Emily: You are totally macking on Jason right now. What gives?
Aria: Well, last night I had a wet dream about him. We were naked in bed. But besides that he is a warm loving and cuddly teddy bear. He is no less creepy that Spencer thought Toby was last week and those two are about to get married.
Emily:  Aria, you already have a cuddly adult teddy bear and his name is Ezra.
Aria: But that relationship is SO HARD. Every time we try to take a step forward we realize either he will get arrested or my parents will ship me away.
Emily: Yeah, I’m sorry. My girlfriend once got shipped away and it sucked.

Aria takes this conversation to mean that she needs to seduce Mr. Fitz some more and barges his into office while stripping off her outfit.

She is ready for some one-on-one tutoring with Prof. Fitz, but is alarmed to learn that his office door does not lock. (With all the theft in this town you would think everyone has their doors bolted shut.)  The no-lock issue only creates a temporary speed bump as Aria remedies the situation by jamming the door with a chair.

Ezra: Wait, Aria. I have class in 15 minutes, this might not be a good idea.
Aria: That is plenty of time professor.
Ezra: Wait, lets think about this.
Aria: Ugh, let just make out without the usual Ezbian processing.

No Moral Compass
At lunch, the Liars discuss Jenna and her impending cornea transplants. I should note that Jenna is literally one table behind the girls while they have this moderately loud discussion.  Hanna ignores all the medical mumbo jumbo and jumps in with “If she gets her sight back, are we off the hook.” And then Spencer responds with “Guilt wise, maybe?” Wait WHAT? Whether or not she gets her sight back, Jenna still had to go through the trauma of losing her sight, cope with being blind, and deal with having another person’s cornea’s put into her own eyes. I would say that no matter what happens you will never be off any hook.

After school we discover that Spencer is now taking her fashion cues from Rachel Berry from Glee
Spencer sweetie, that sweater has gotsa go! She walks over to the DiLaurentis/Hastings property line to do her daily “spy on Jason” routine and sees Jason go ape shit on a worker for trying to enter his shed. As Spencer hides behind the best hiding bush in the world, she watches Jason lock the shed door and place the key on the door ledge. I think Jason is asking for someone to break into that shed. I see a plan a-brewing in Spencer’s head. She heads back home and is greeted by her mother. I guess Spencer’s parents did their bi monthly parental switch. Only one parent is allowed in that household at any one time. She tells her mother all about the buried hockey stick hoping she would agree that it was totally sketchy that her dad burnt the stick.

Mrs. Hastings: Nope, I find that totally normal. I would have done the same thing. For 16 years you were the perfect child. In the last 6 months your have gone bat shit crazy and it is too much for the two of us to handle. Obviously Ian planted that stick there because he hated you and that is that. Now make your own dinner, you are too high maintenance for me. Also, yeah, those DiLaurentis’ can’t be trusted. 

You know Emily is completely bugging, because she excuses herself from her hosting duties to make a quick phone call to Aria. Aria is taking part in her favorite Friday night activity--- Waiting for Ezra in his office/apartment. Emily is all like “ARIAAA, you have no idea what it is like to have A fuck around with your relationship.” Aria pauses for a second, trying to find the right words to respond and finally goes “Okay, so yesterday you tell me that A is going to kill me and now you pretend that A didn’t salivate over destroying me and Ezra? What gives Emily?” Emily says “sooory” (like a true Canadian) and hangs up to attend to her guests waiting downstairs. The girls are ready to head home and Emily immediately starts freaking out. She offers them more cupcakes to make them stay, but even Emily’s charm can’t force them to stuff their face with another cupcake. Samara kisses Emily goodbye, and walks out of the room, leaving Emily and the evil Zoey alone. She is forced to choose between potentially destroying a budding relationship and ever swimming competitively again. She chooses the latter and slips Zoey her digits.


The next morning, Emily stops over at the Montgomery abode and interrupts another one of Aria’s Ezra/Jason wet dreams. Thank god! Emily starts freaking out to Aria about giving Zoey her number and the fact that it is only 7:21 AM on a Saturday and Samara has already called twice. Aria advises Emily to call Sammy. Well, Emily, things are about to get heated really soon. Samara storms into the Marin abode and starts wailing on Emily.  Samara is all like “Dude you slipped my slutty friend your number. What is worse is that Quinn Fabray told me.” Emily tries to defend herself to no avail and Samara leaves. Another lesbian bites the dust.

Creepy Jason:
Aria walks downstairs from her latest “Jason Wet Dream” and guess who is standing in her foyer. Yup, you guessed right, Jason

Jason: I am here to help your brother with his depression, and to help you with her sexual frustration.
Aria: Um, I can’t talk. I have to study for my Calculus test tomorrow that my Chem teacher assigned and a History test my econ teacher assigned. Phew, busy week ahead.
Jason: You know tomorrow is Sunday, so we can get together tonight and hook up and you will still be ready for your tests.
Aria: Oh, no. School is so important to me that I need to study every second I get. Study, Study, Study. That is my motto. I love to do it in the library with Emily and Spencer. It is totally not a gay thing though.

Aria shoves Jason out of the door and gets back to her “studying.”

Mike The Vampire
The Montgomery parents are standing around the kitchen discussing Mike’s well being. It is like good cop bad cop up in this bitch as Ella want t “give him his space” and Byron is like “grr… he’s a man and space is for pussy’s.” When Byron gets upstairs, Mike is cocooned in his blanket, staring at a metronome in his locked room. Byron enters and immediately turns on every light in sight. 

He wants to talk to Mike about his recent criminal activity but all Mike wants to do is stay away from light, garlic and crosses. Byron just admit it, if your son sleeps all day and drinks blood at night, he is a vampire.

On a more serious note, Mike may be going through some deep depression which seems to run in Byron’s family. I hope he gets better soon!

The Caleb Thing
Hanna is strolling along Rosewood’s Main Street when she notices Caleb talking to Sketchy Stalker dude. Caleb explains to Hanna that the sketchy dude is not trying to nail him for his Allentown prostitution ring. The guy is actually a PI Caleb’s birth mother hired to find him. Caleb comes over to Hanna’s to stalk his mother online and they find that his mother goes to the same country club as Oprah and that she also has two other kids. It is pretty sad and Caleb gets really emotional. He sees, right in front of him, the family he always dreamed of with his mother, and she is living it out with her two other sons.

The two meet up later at the park to chat. Before she sits down on a swing she surveys the area. No P!NK song. Check. Not Owls Swooping. Check. No Tent. Check. It is now okay to proceed in this park with Caleb without having sex. Caleb is really upset, which is completely understandable. Why didn’t his mother get him sooner? Why is she looking for him now? I have my own theories on this which I will share in a little bit.

Later, Caleb comes over to Hanna’s with tears in his eyes. He tells her that he and his mother had a long conversation on the phone that day, and that she wants him to fly to Cali and meet her. He is going and Hanna is super sad because she is about to lose her boyfriends. Please, raise your hand if you find this whole mother reappearing and flying Caleb  to the West Coast thing crazy. There is NO way that this woman he was talking to is his mother. I am convinced it was A, or someone A hired. A can’t help but fuck with Hanna. Next to killing Emily, fucking with Hanna is A’s favorite game!

Spemily Galore
Spencer and Emily sit around in Spencer’s kitchen talking about A, as usual. You would think that this is totally normal because this is what they always do, right? WRONG! Spencer’s mom is literally sitting three feet away from the girls as they discuss A. Seriously? She is not blind so she can hear everything you say. Spencer tries to get her mom to leave the house so her and Emily can have some private snooping time.

Spencer: You should probably leave now to see your favorite daughter Melissa. Don’t want to hit rush hour.
Veronica: You are aware it is Saturday?
Spencer: Well there is bridge traffic.
Veronica: Nope, was on the bridge yesterday.
Spencer: A wild lion escaped from the zoo and will be blocking your car from leaving in 6 minutes.
Veronica: The news promised me the lion won’t be outside for 30 minutes.
Spencer: Mike is going to steal the battery from your car in 10 minutes.
Veronica: We all know that Mike is on house arrest. What is up with you Spence? You seem tense.

Emily’s head is bouncing back and forth between the two Hastings as though she is watching a tennis match. As soon as Veronica finally leaves, Spencer drags Emily to the DiLaurentes shed. These two should never spy together on their own; it is like having McJumpy and McParanoid as partners. When they enter the shed they see dozens of extreme close-up photo’s of body parts. Emily quickly realizes that those lips and eyes and cheeks belong to Aria, and the situation becomes a lot creepier. 

The girls hear Jason pull into the drive and get the fuck out of the creepy Aria shed; but not before poor little Emily leaves her flashlight on the ground.  When Jason comes back into his Aria shrine he finds one picture out of place and a flashlight on the floor and knows that somebody has broken in. 

About an hour later, the two girls decide to go back to the scene of the crime and are surprised to find the whole dark room, including the Aria Shrine, has been removed. I don’t know why they are surprised though, we are talking about the same A that once removed an entire tree from the woods.

Pulling the Band-Aid
I am going to discuss this really quickly because I hate it so sooo much. Aria runs into Jason on the street.
Aria: “What are you doing out so late?”
Jason:“Oh, I am just going to buy a padlock for my shed where nothing creepy is stored.”
Aria: “Mike is transitioning into a vampire right now, so he didn’t do it.”
Jason: “I didn’t go there. I am going to kiss you and not tell you I am stalking you and have a shed full of pictures of you sleeping.”
Aria: “I am going to kiss you back, but only for one second. Then I am going to remember I have a much hotter, much older boyfriend who used to be my teacher.”

What did you guys think? Was that really Caleb's mother on the phone or is A going to murder him on his way to California? Let me know.

APB




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