Last Week On PLL: Hanna hit A with a car and Emily almost got killed for the bagillionth time
The Liars run back into the Greenhouse of horror trying to wrap their heads around what just went down.
Aria: God Hanna how hard did you hit him/her/it with your BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA.
Hannah: I hit it as hard as I would hit any stationary object while driving. You know my track record with cars.
Spencer: Dammit guys, A locked her phone. If my calculations are correct, there are 4 digits, 10 numerical options meaning there are…..
Emily: (Cutting Spencer Off) What THE FUCK guys, where WERE you. Why did you leave me all alone to die?
Hannah: Death would be preferable to my night. I just learned Kate the Bitch is moving back to town.
Aria: Psh, seriously Hannah, I win this hands down. Ezra just came out to my parents. How can one’s night get worse than that?
Emily: Are you guys’ blind, or do you not see the shards of glass in my hair? A just almost killed me inside a Greenhouse. A GREENHOUSE!
When the girls are done comparing horrible nights, the issue of A’s phone arises. Spencer, Emily and Aria all agree that they should bring the cell to Caleb, Rosewoods Cell Phone Extraordinaire. Hanna does not. She doesn’t want her boy’s hair to get greased up in any more illegal scams. Instead, she suggests that they just bring the phone to the local “phone store” and if that doesn’t work, they can call a random guy in India.
Before Spencer has the chance to smack Hanna, A’s phone begins to vibrate with an anonymous incoming call. Hannah starts freaking out. “Should we tell her we have her phone?” Hanna asks. Spencer replies with “She’ll know that when you answer the phone, dumbass.” Before they get a chance to answer more glass falls from the ceiling and Emily take the initiative to call Caleb herself.
Caleb rides his white horse over to the Marin abode with his entire phone hacking gear in hand. He is more than willing to help the Liars out, but is a bit suspicious about the whole ordeal. His main issue with this situation is that Emily smells like mulch. Emily rolls her eyes at Caleb and responds “Why are you so ignorant. I am a lesbian Caleb, we all smell like mulch.” Caleb turns back to the computer and sees an error has popped up on his screen. A has remotely turned off all data from her phone limiting the amount of data Caleb can now obtain.
The next day in the courtyard, Hanna sneaks up on Caleb while he is working on “Protocol 01-043: Hacking A’s Phone.”
Caleb: So when am I going to get initiated into this secret society?
Hanna: I don’t know what you are talking about. We are just trying to hack a phone. Nothing sketchy about that.
Caleb: Hanna why don’t you trust me. We have gotten naked in more ways than one. Doesn’t that MEAN something to you?
Hanna sits and tries to count all the ways that her and Caleb have gotten naked together. She assures Caleb that she does trust him, but completely shifts her gears when she sees Lucas walk by. The sight of Lucas causes a Neon Sign reading “HISTORY TEST” to light up in Hanna’s brain, and she coerces Lucas to tutor her.
Outside the Cavanaugh house, Toby is unloading some more rocking chairs from his truck bed. Spencer walks up to him and asks if they could talk somewhere super private, like the front seat of the truck they are standing right next to. Once inside the car, the two have all the privacy they could ever dream of. Spencer starts talking to Toby in riddles about how she can’t tell him about all the freaky things that have been going on. Since Spencer’s riddles are a turn-on for Tobs, this convo results with them starting to have sex in their super private truck. Their make out session comes to a full stop when Spencer hears Garrets muscle car pull up. (Okay, so it is OKAY for Garrett to date a minor AND drive while on his cell and yet Ezra is the only one getting flack here?? Where is the justice?). Garrett is screaming about how they shouldn’t have trusted that other guy and that he loves her and to let him in the house. Toby tries to convince Spencer that Garrett is just talking about Jenna’s eye surgery but Spencer is not buying it. This conversation has “A” written all over it!
Then next day Toby’s chillin on his front porch watching the Wicked Witch of Rosewood drive off in a black car. Garrett arrives just in time to car drive into the sunset without him
Garrett: (to Toby) Was she alone. Jenna can’t drive alone you know. She is blind, that could be dangerous. I did everything she asked of me and then she turned on me, why she would do this. I just wanted us to go away together to a special place. Toby, there’s a place for me and Jenna. Somewhere a place for us. If she just takes my hand I would take her there.
Toby rolls his eyes at the level of Garrett’s whippedness and continues making more wooden furniture for Spencer.
Hotline of Hotties:
Over at Rosewood High, the gorgeous Emily is taking a remake test for Ms. Ella. Emily ends up having to leave the test early and Ella makes a passive aggressive comment about not knowing her own daughter. Emily is all her amazing Emily self and defends Aria eloquently. Maybe something more in depth happened in this scene but I am still so distracted by how good Emily looks in that shirt, I didn’t notice!
Just as Emily leaves the classroom, Spencer performs a blitz attack on Ems trying to recruit her for some Jenna recon. Emily tells Spencer “As much as I would love to be alone with you, I need to finish my community service. I am so sorry my love.” Spencer conjures up the best pouty face she can, but it is still not enough to sway Emily. Emily tells Spencer that if she offers up her lake house to Hanna she might be up for some Nancy Drewing; or at least Hanna will be up for more sexing with Caleb on Nana Hastings’ couch.
Emily goes to her first session of Crisis Counseling which includes reading transcripts from the previous night’s crises.
Since Emily looks oh so fine in the flannel shirt, she was obviously the one to be picked for the reenactment. The phone convo goes like this
Emily (Phone Helper): Crisis Hotline, how may I help you.
Woman (A?): I am in a bad place. I almost got caught. I was asked to do something important but I screwed up. They are never going to forgive me, I might as well be dead.
Emily stops the role playing as soon as she realizes this convo is most likely from A. Shit just got real guys. Shit just got real. Ems steals the transcripts to show to the Liars the next day in school and Spencer tries again to recruit the girls into the “A Hunting” club.
Hanna: Spence, put a sock in it. Emily plastered every room in the house with that transcript. Even my mom was a bit curious. Anyway, I have a party to plan. You better all be thereBefore any more closet talk can occur, Caleb pulls the PLL’s into an empty classroom. He shows them the sole file he was able to salvage from the phone; it is the picture of the four Chucky Dolls sitting on a bench. The girls glance at each other as Spence goes “That picture means nothing to us but please forward that to each of our phone immediately and save it in your hardrive so it is never ever lost.” Emily, Aria and Spencer file out of the classroom like racecars while Hanna stays with Caleb for a little alone time. Caleb tells Hanna that he wants there to be no secrets between them. Having sex in a park while listening to owls “WHOO” is great but that means nothing if she is holding back emotionally. Hanna assures him she is not, and then they have sex in the abandoned classroom.
Aria: Unless this over the top glittery party is in my closet, I am not going to be able to come.
Spencer: If Emily is fine with having a party in the closet than so am I.
Emily: Dammit guys, I swore off all in the closeted parties last year, on principle
Over at the Marin house, with a fresh pot of coffee at hand, Lucas and Hanna are making unsexy flashcard history flashcards. Hanna starts getting texts from Spencer offering her and Caleb a weekend getaway at the Hastings Resort and Spa. Hanna keeps telling Lucas about how great the couch is for sexual relations, and if she holds out, Spencer will throw in a Surprise Birthday Package. Lucas tries to ignore all words coming out of Hanna’s mouth and mumbles something about Maryland. Finally Hanna asks Lucas point blank “Will you help me plan my boyfriend/your bunkemate’s birthday party with me?” Lucas fumbles over words and finally comes up with the excuse “I don’t have any money .” Hanna rolls her eyes at Lucas . “Lucas, my mom steals money from rich dying woman for a living. We have hundred dollar bills growing from lasagna boxes. I got the money part covered.”
Just as Aria is leaving her room, Byron pops his little head into the hallway. He looks Aria up and down and goes “Uh uh, go back inside and change that outfit young lady. You are no longer allowed to dress as prison bait.” First of all, has Byron SEEN what his daughter has worn to school over the past year. I am pretty sure she once woke up early to hunt a bird just so she could wear it in her hair to school. Byron, don’t pretend that NOW you actually care about your daughters wardrobe. Ella follows as Aria storms back into her room.
Aria: Mom, what does he expect me to wear? All of my clothes were bought at the Alien Thrift Shop.
Ella: Aria, honey, pick your battles. We just found out you were sleeping with your English teacher.
Aria: UGH MOM, this is why I didn’t tell you about my Ezbian relationship with my English teacher. I KNEW you would over react.
The Montgomery’s decide they need to focus more attention on their child sleeping with her teacher and less time on their child that was breaking into houses for the last year. They take a stroll down the streets of Rosewood, looking for a nice place to eat dinner. When they look through the window of the one restaurant in the town they see Ezra inside. He is eating alone reading the book of poetry he wrote using the tears he cried over Aria.
Byron declares that if Ella does not let him report Fitz to the po-po they are moving to California. Before Ella has a chance to point out Byron’s hypocrisy for the hundredth time this episode, the Montgomery’s run into an old family friend and his son. This son happens to be the same age as Aria, and they played together as children. His name is Holden, and Aria is totally not impressed because Catcher In the Rye is nothing compared to To Kill A Mockingbird.
Don’t be Tardy to the Party
Spencer and Emily are back at the crisis hotline to do some more community service, which also means they get to play Spencer’s favorite game; ‘A’ Guess Who. They are sitting their twiddling their thumbs when finally a troubled teen calls in and the crisis leader tells them to pick up the line and eves drop:
Anonymous Caller/Lucas: I should have known better but I got sucked into her seductive lies. I thought I finally had power. I need this to go away but I don’t want to hurt anyone. It ends tonight. It ends tonight.Spencer and Emily drop the receiver and sprint over to Hanna’s house.
Spencer: Hanna your lap dog is A’s little minion. We heard his voice on phone! Lucas Lucas Lucas Lucas Lucas!
Hanna: Spencer you have officially accused every man in our lives of being A. First Toby, then Caleb, then Jason, then Ian. Come on, Lucas is a really smart cuddly teddy bear, not an evil killer.
Emily: We know what he heard. More than that he sounded like he got hit by a car
Hanna: Could you SEE bruises through that phone? No? That’s what I thought. I can’t be worrying about this shit right now. I have more important things to do, like plan my orphan boyfriend’s first birthday party.
Spencer and Hanna head over to the lake house to start setting up for the party. Spencer is rummaging through the attic crying as she mentally visualizes Hanna and Caleb having sex on all of her Nana’s furniture. After moving a few boxes, she realizes that the Chucky Doll picture a sent to the girls was taken in her attic. Just as Spencer is about to shit her pant, Lucas come up the stairs.
Spencer: What the hell are you doing in my attic? Have you been up here before? Does this wallpaper look familiar to you? Huh? Huh?
Lucas: I was just looking for tools. Some people keep tools up in the attic.
Spencer: Really now, do they? Do people really keep tools in the attic? We don’t. The garage. The garage is the normal place to keep tools. Not the attic Lucas. Not the attic.
Spencer storms down the stairs leaving Lucas to contemplate what she just told him. Lucas than calls back the Crisis Hotline and guess who answers his call, our own little Emily Fields. Emily had to stop by the crisis center to return the transcript that she “accidently” stole. Lucas does not realize that he is talking to Emily and he confesses that he is taking care of what he needs to take care of tonight! (Can I just point out here that Lucas used his cellphone to call the hotline. Doesn’t that mean that Lucas couldn’t have been the person they hit with the car? )
After hearing Lucas’ diabolical plan, Emily apparates to the Lake House. She walks in on a sweaty Lucas attempting to light the birthday cake and tells Lucas that Hanna loves him as a friend.
Emily couldn’t have picked a worse thing to tell Lucas at this moment in time. He takes this information and a box of firecracker and rows Hanna out to the middle of the sea. Suddenly he stops the boat and tells Hanna they need to talk. Suffice to say Hanna doesn’t take this well, and Lucas’ plan quickly starts umraveling from the seam. Hanna pushes Lucas out of the boat and then, when Lucas tries to get back in the boat, the boat capsizes.
Over on the shore Emily and Spencer are screaming out to Hanna, asking if she is dead yet. Emily decides that, as a swimmer, this is the best way to help her drowning best friend. When the girls get no response they just keep screaming out her name, hoping it will bring her back to life. Finally a miracle occurs and they see Hanna swimming to shore; it is the first time in their lives they have seen Hanna do something semi athletic. Emily takes Hanna in her arms and rocks her back and forth to comfort her. It is what they do every night before they fall asleep. Out of nowhere a wet Mona and Noel emerge from the woods. Noel is all like “Yeah it was a perfect night to take a dip. Right Hanna?” Ugh Noel needs to die.
So, what did you guys think of the episode? Love it? Hate it? Angry that Lucas never got to profess his love to Hanna? Let me know in the form of a comment below. Anyone else thing Nana Hastings’ is A?