So, over at Rosewood High Emily has FINALLY been allowed back onto the swim team. Thank god. As much as I love Emily and everything about her (especially when she wears flannel) I am not sure if I could take another full 45 minutes hearing about how she is no longer on the swim team. She is back in the water where she belongs, and all is right in the world.
Spencer and Aria are waiting for their gay shark to come from the pool.
Aria: So this thing tonight, where I pretend to be Vivian’s friend and meet the creepy phone dude, are we sure we want to do that.
Spencer: Of course we do Aria. We need to do it. We have the time and date set. We can’t change plans once they are set. We have to be there. We just have to.
Aria: Soooo anyways….my mom’s been a bit, you know, suspicious about our weeklong sleepover. She called your mom about it. Don’t worry, she doesn’t suspect anything about our love affair.
Spencer: Good, because I would like to spend many more nights in your bed. Also I can’t deal with my crazy ass family right now.
Aria: You know if there is anything else going on you can tell me.
Spence: No Aria, I can’t tell you that Jason is my half brother. That would mean I was one degree away from being Ally’s sister. That would also mean that my own flesh and blood drugged you in order to take extreme close-up black and white picture of you.
While Aria and Spencer are having their intimate discussion, Hanna and her beau are in the corner having one of their own.
Hanna: How are you getting internet here. This cave doesn’t have internet.
Caleb: If by cave you mean alcove, there is no internet. I got a hotspot in my pocket.
Hanna: Oh Caleb, you always have a hotspot in your pocket; it grows bigger everytime you see me. But how do you have internet in this cave?
Caleb: Thank god you are pretty.
Emily comes out and the whole school cheers (ha, that sentence made me laugh). The mood quickly dampens though when Spencer spots good ole Garrett and the only other cop in town entering the premises. Garret walks right past the liars and into Caleb’s Cave.
Garrett: Mr. Caleb, we have a court order for your computer.
Caleb: Why? Is this because I bitched out your girlfriend last week?
Garrett: Jenna? Where is Jenna? I LOVE JENNA! Don’t you bring up Jenna.
Caleb: Sorry dude, I didn’t realize you were that whipped. You brought up a court order for my computer, continue.
Garrett: I traced hacked classified school files to your IP address. That computer is property of Rosewood now boy! Any passwords you want to tell us to make my job of breaking into your computer much easier.
Caleb: You can take away my computer, but you CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY MIND!
Garret stares Caleb down, realizing that for the first time in his life, he might have to put in some effort to get the job done. Hanna runs up to console her damaged boyfriend. She is worried that Caleb’s manhood has been taken away, but he assures her that he still has his hotspot in his pocket. There is no need to worry. Caleb then yells out asking everyone in the school for a can opener and challenges each person to open his computer with said can opener.
Hanna and Caleb run into the first open classroom they can find and attempt to remotely hack into his computer. Caleb throws around some random hacker terms like “firewall” and “internet” so Hanna knows that he is legit. He explains his password to Hanna, which proves that they are truly in love. (Side Note: Read this insane article about teens sharing their passwords). At the end of his password is the number 1105 and then an exclamation point.
Hanna: Is that number important? There is an exclamation point after it.
Caleb: That number has nothing to do with owls swooping down in a park while we were in a tent. It just makes it harder for my password to be hacked.
The Adventures of Vivian
The Liars head over out of town to meet Vivian’s friend. How do I know they are out of town? Because we have never seen this diner before, and we know Rosewood only has one. A 30 year creepy guy who looks like a pedo sits down at Aria’s booth.
Creep: So you are a friend of Vivian’s?
Aria: Yes, I am pretty sure that was made clear on the phone.
Creep: That bitch owes me money. She cost me a job and almost a girlfriend. You can make up for all of that though right now if you sleep with me.
Aria: Sorry I fulfilled my dating pedophile quota for year. Try again next year
Creepster explains to Aria that Vivian used him for his position at a phone company. Apparently “Vivian’s friend” “Allison” was receiving texts from a blocked number. He was hired to find out who was on the other end of that blocked number. Unfortunately Creepester gave Allison the goods before receiving his money and Allison ripped him off. (Well that doesn’t seem like Allison.) Now the Liars need to cough up a min of 2k to get this sensitive information.
Once Creepster (whose name we learn is Jonah)leaves, Aria joins the other Liars (stealthy sitting in the booth directly behind) to discuss what just went down.
Aria: Where are we going to get that kind of money guys?
Hannah: How about we just throw a bikini car wash?
Emily: Yes. Yes, I am down with that. Bikini Car wash it is. We NEED a bikini car wash!
Spencer: It is mid winter guys.
Aria: I don’t think my dad would approve. He may think that I am dressed inappropriately. Spencer can’t you just pay?
Spencer: Sorry guys, my accounts have been frozen due to a secret I still haven’t told y’all.
Spencer goes into town to see if Jason is at his office. Wait, Jason has an office? What does he do, and why does whatever he does need an office? Surprise, surprise… Jason is not in said office. Instead he is across the street having a secretive conversation with Maya at a fruit cart.
The siblings sit on a town bench for a little heart to heart.
(Seriously, how does his hair look like that. Is there a constant wind machine that follows him around?)
Jason explains that he was snooping through Allison’s room and found a hidden compartment which contained love letters from Mr. Hastings to Mrs. DiLaurentis. Also in that box 15k. Really love letter? Was this a whirl-wind romance from circa WWI? Jason is convinced that Ally got the mula from Mr. Hastings.
Rosewood Fight Club
Aria tells Holden that she will no longer be a cover for his drug dealing underground ways unless he tells her the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him god.
Holden: Aria, I am not in an illegal fight club. I do Tongue-Sa-Do. Its Korean.
Aria: Tongue-Sa-Do? I think that is what Emily and Maya do when they are together
Holden: My parents really don’t like that I do it.
Aria: Yeah Em’s parents were not huge fans at first either, but eventually they warmed up to the idea.
Holden explains that this week’s faux-date is SUPER important because of a big tournament that is coming up. Aria caves in pretty quickly to Holden’s plea, but mostly it is because Ezra has the most Ezbian date planned for her. He is going to take her to a vegan French restaurant, and then they’re gonna read from his poetry journal and talk about their feelings.
Later, Byron admits his fear that if they let Aria out of the house, she will sleep with every English teacher she sees. Ella is just like “She is going on a date to an arcade with a boy we have known since he was in diapers. This date couldn’t be safer if it was an arranged marriage.” Byron isn’t able to drop his obsession with Aria’s love life though. When he goes to his car he finds a letter tucked under his wipers. The letter tells him that an Ezbian date will be occurring at a Vegan Bistro along with the time and address of said bistro. Byron races to his house so he can give his daughter the 3rd degree.
Byron: So where are you and Holden going tonight?
Aria: To a vintage arcade to play vintage games that match my vintage outfit.
Byron: By Vintage arcade do you mean Vegan Bistro. And by Vintage games do you mean sleeping with Mr. Fitz.
Ella interrupts the conversation to give Aria some real words of wisdom. During the conversation we learn that Holden has a heart condition, which is why he has to hide his Tongue-Sa-Do activities.
Byron rushes to the Vegan Bistro and stakes out a table. I can’t believe that Byron is just blindly following A’s clue. Why is he not disturbed by the fact that a random, anonymous, person is stalking his daughter? Byron is out of luck though, because Aria decides to stand Ezra up. Instead she stealthily follows Holden to his Kung-Fu gym to make sure he is safe. When she gets there he explains to Aria that he has an aortic aneurism and that it can pop at any moment, so he is not going to spend the rest of his life in front of the TV. Hold on a second Holden. What is so wrong with spending your life in front of the TV. I resent you for making that sound like a bad thing! Anywho, Aria stays to watch him fight and the rest is pretty boring.
The best scene of the night though is when Fitz heads to the Vegan Bistro and sees Mr. Montgomery sitting there. His eyes pop out of their sockets and he legit jumps 5 feet in the air.
Law and Order
Over at the precinct, Detective Douche and Officer Dumbass are staring at Caleb’s computer (ugh yes, Det. Wilden is back). They are unsure of what to do next after their failed attempts to open it with a can opener. Det. Wilden shows Garrett a new piece of evidence that he has uncovered; a security snapshot of our Liars in their Candy Striper outfits.
Meanwhile, the Marin casa is being transformed to celebrate Emily’s return to swimming. Just as Hanna starts icing Em’s cake, mamma Marin gets a call from the po-po. Hanna has to go down to the station to answer some big questions. When they get there, Dt. Wilden whips out the picture of the PLLs being sketchy outside of the morgue wearing candy striper outfits.
Dt. Douche: Can you please explain to me why you were outside the morgue this day in these outfits.
Hanna: We were just trying to imitate Aria’s every day garb? What’s wrong with that?
Dt. Douche: What’s wrong is that all of Ally’s autopsy reports are missing. Now tell me where they are.
Hanna: You can’t take away my MIND!
When The Marin girls return home, Ashley just looks defeated.
Ashley: Okay Hanna, I’ve had enough police activity for one lifetime. I am going to go upstairs to get drunk. Make sure this party doesn’t get out of hand, and make sure no one steal my lasagna money this time.
Spencer: Police? Did I hear police?
Hanna: Yeah, Dt. Douchebag is back and has a picture of us looking for page 47 of the prophecy.
Spencer: Okay, that’s it guys. I inexplicably have to go home.
Spencer goes home for the first time in a week, and as always, the house is empty. She sees her dad’s briefcase lying on the couch, and immediately goes to steal a check from within. I LOVE badass Spencer. Unfortunately as soon as Spencer hears footsteps she quickly aborts mission.
Mr. Hastings: Spencer, I know you’re mad at me. You have to understand, I made a series of poor decisions.
Spencer: This wasn’t a business deal dad. You had a really really creepy illegitimate son!
Mr. Hastings: I made a mistake. She kept the baby and then they moved down to Georgia. I thought I was free and clear once she left. But then they moved back to Rosewood in the house right next to ours.
Spencer: And how did that make you feel?
Mr. Hastings: Feel? I am not sure I know what that word means.
Spencer: Well did you ever ask why they moved to the house right next to ours?
Mr. Hastings: Nope, just assumed it was a huge coincidence
Back at the party, Maya pulls Emily over to the side.
Maya: So my hippie parents found an old joint lying around my room and they want to send me back to juvie.
Emily: Why did you have a joint? How did they find it? You’re parents suck at being hippies!
Maya: When we moved out of Allison’s house, we also decided to bring some of your dead friends stuff. The joint must have gotten mixed up with her dresses, and my mom found it in there or something.
Emily: Oh that makes total sense. But Maya, I can’t say goodbye to you AGAIN!
(An hour later)
Emily: Is that a joint you are smoking. So that story you told me about your joint mixed up with Allison’s old clothes being brought to your new house was just a web of lie? How could you do this to me Maya? That joint wasn’t old was it?
Maya: What is old Emily. Old is just an irrelevant measure that man made up. It is older than the joint that is in my hand now.
Emily: How high ARE you?
Maya: Lets run away together. Let’s go to the lesbian mecca of the world. San Francisco here we come. Throw away your entire life and dreams and run away with me
Ems is totally up for this. NOT. God Maya is a fucking nut job. Goodbye, Maya, and please, can we welcome back Paige.
Hanna calls Caleb, who is at the police station. He tells her that “He is in a HOT SPOT right now” and that he “needs her help.” Caleb has given in to the man, and has agreed to log onto his computer. Also did anyone else thing Dt. Douche got a bit pervy about watching Caleb enter his password?
Luckily Hanna was able to decipher Caleb’s clues and she Spencer to come help her.
Hanna: Please Spencer, tell you know how to hack a computer.
Spencer: No Hans, I don’t. Pretty sure that is why we are having your boyfriend work on that.
Hanna racks through her brain to try and remember Caleb’s password. She gets through all of the state abbreviations, and is only left with that pesky little number that ends with an exclamation. If only she can remember what date Caleb would think was important enough for an exclamation! Think Hanna think! Finally it comes to her. Ah ha, the night that they made love under the owls.
Hanna: Okay we are in, what now?
Spencer: This is like looking into Caleb’s brain. I guess we have to find those files
Hanna: That bitch hid them under “Hefty Hanna.” That bitch!
Spencer: Delete those files Hanna. Control A! Control A!
Hanna: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM TRYING TO DO?
Spencer: The buttons you dumbass. Press Ctrl- A.
Hanna is able to Ctrl-A all of the illegally hacked highly sensitive Rosewood High files, just in the nick of time. Dts. Douche and Dumbass watch the files disappear before their eyes. There is no more evidence against Caleb and he is free to go. HOORAYY!!!
After her long ass day, Spencer heads back to the Hastings Manor. She is sitting on the couch staring into an empty fireplace when she heard a knock on the door.
Her half brother has come to pay her a visit. They bond over the fact that they fight because they have the same dad, and then they thank god they never slept together. I think we all thank god they never slept together!
So what did you guys think of the episode? Love it? Hate it? Let me know!