Rosewood’s HotSpot
So, over at
Rosewood High Emily has FINALLY been allowed back onto the swim team. Thank god.
As much as I love Emily and everything about her (especially when she wears
flannel) I am not sure if I could take another full 45 minutes hearing about
how she is no longer on the swim team. She is back in the water where she
belongs, and all is right in the world.
Spencer and
Aria are waiting for their gay shark to come from the pool.
Aria: So this thing tonight, where I
pretend to be Vivian’s friend and meet the creepy phone dude, are we sure we
want to do that.
Spencer: Of course we do Aria. We need
to do it. We have the time and date set. We can’t change plans once they are
set. We have to be there. We just have to.
Aria: Soooo anyways….my mom’s been a
bit, you know, suspicious about our weeklong sleepover. She called your mom
about it. Don’t worry, she doesn’t suspect anything about our love affair.
Spencer: Good, because I would like to
spend many more nights in your bed. Also I can’t deal with my crazy ass family
right now.
Aria: You know if there is anything else going on
you can tell me.
Spence: No Aria, I can’t tell you that
Jason is my half brother. That would mean I was one degree away from being
Ally’s sister. That would also mean that my own flesh and blood drugged you in
order to take extreme close-up black and white picture of you.
While Aria
and Spencer are having their intimate discussion, Hanna and her beau are in the
corner having one of their own.
Hanna: How are you getting
internet here. This cave doesn’t have
internet.
Caleb: If by cave you mean alcove,
there is no internet. I got a hotspot in my pocket.
Hanna: Oh Caleb, you always have a
hotspot in your pocket; it grows bigger everytime you see me. But how do you
have internet in this cave?
Caleb: Thank god you are pretty.
Emily comes
out and the whole school cheers (ha, that sentence made me laugh). The mood
quickly dampens though when Spencer spots good ole Garrett and the only other
cop in town entering the premises. Garret walks right past the liars and into
Caleb’s Cave.
Garrett: Mr. Caleb, we have a court
order for your computer.
Caleb: Why? Is this because I bitched
out your girlfriend last week?
Garrett: Jenna? Where is Jenna? I LOVE
JENNA! Don’t you bring up Jenna.
Caleb: Sorry dude, I didn’t realize you
were that whipped. You brought up a court order for my computer, continue.
Garrett: I traced hacked classified
school files to your IP address. That computer is property of Rosewood now boy!
Any passwords you want to tell us to make my job of breaking into your computer
much easier.
Caleb: You can take away my computer,
but you CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY MIND!
Garret
stares Caleb down, realizing that for the first time in his life, he might have
to put in some effort to get the job done. Hanna runs up to console her damaged
boyfriend. She is worried that Caleb’s manhood has been taken away, but he
assures her that he still has his hotspot in his pocket. There is no need to
worry. Caleb then yells out asking everyone in the school for a can opener and challenges
each person to open his computer with said can opener.
Hanna and
Caleb run into the first open classroom they can find and attempt to remotely
hack into his computer. Caleb throws around some random hacker terms like
“firewall” and “internet” so Hanna knows that he is legit. He explains his
password to Hanna, which proves that they are truly in love. (Side Note: Read this insane article about teens sharing their passwords). At the end of his
password is the number 1105 and then an exclamation point.
Hanna: Is that number important? There
is an exclamation point after it.
Caleb: That number has nothing to do
with owls swooping down in a park while we were in a tent. It just makes it
harder for my password to be hacked.
The Adventures of Vivian
The Liars
head over out of town to meet Vivian’s friend. How do I know they are out of
town? Because we have never seen this diner before, and we know Rosewood only
has one. A 30 year creepy guy who looks like a pedo sits down at Aria’s booth.
Creep: So you are a friend of Vivian’s?
Aria: Yes, I am pretty sure that was
made clear on the phone.
Creep: That bitch owes me money. She
cost me a job and almost a girlfriend. You can make up for all of that though
right now if you sleep with me.
Aria: Sorry I fulfilled my dating
pedophile quota for year. Try again next year
Creepster
explains to Aria that Vivian used him for his position at a phone company.
Apparently “Vivian’s friend” “Allison” was receiving texts from a blocked
number. He was hired to find out who was on the other end of that blocked
number. Unfortunately Creepester gave Allison the goods before receiving his
money and Allison ripped him off. (Well that doesn’t seem like Allison.) Now
the Liars need to cough up a min of 2k to get this sensitive information.
Once Creepster
(whose name we learn is Jonah)leaves, Aria joins the other Liars (stealthy
sitting in the booth directly behind) to discuss what just went down.
Aria: Where are we going to get that
kind of money guys?
Hannah: How about we just throw a
bikini car wash?
Emily: Yes. Yes, I am down with that.
Bikini Car wash it is. We NEED a bikini car wash!
Spencer: It is mid winter guys.
Aria: I don’t think my dad would
approve. He may think that I am dressed inappropriately. Spencer can’t you just
pay?
Spencer: Sorry guys, my accounts have
been frozen due to a secret I still haven’t told y’all.
Sibling Love
Spencer goes
into town to see if Jason is at his office. Wait, Jason has an office? What
does he do, and why does whatever he does need an office? Surprise, surprise…
Jason is not in said office. Instead he is across the street having a secretive
conversation with Maya at a fruit cart.
The siblings
sit on a town bench for a little heart to heart.
(Seriously, how does his hair look like that.
Is there a constant wind machine that follows him around?)
Jason
explains that he was snooping through Allison’s room and found a hidden
compartment which contained love letters from Mr. Hastings to Mrs. DiLaurentis.
Also in that box 15k. Really love letter? Was this a whirl-wind romance from
circa WWI? Jason is convinced that Ally got the mula from Mr. Hastings.
Rosewood Fight Club
Aria tells
Holden that she will no longer be a cover for his drug dealing underground ways
unless he tells her the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him god.
Holden: Aria, I am not in an illegal
fight club. I do Tongue-Sa-Do. Its Korean.
Aria: Tongue-Sa-Do? I think that is
what Emily and Maya do when they are together
Holden: My parents really don’t like
that I do it.
Aria: Yeah Em’s parents were not huge
fans at first either, but eventually they warmed up to the idea.
Holden
explains that this week’s faux-date is SUPER important because of a big tournament
that is coming up. Aria caves in pretty quickly to Holden’s plea, but mostly it
is because Ezra has the most Ezbian date planned for her. He is going to take
her to a vegan French restaurant, and then they’re gonna read from his poetry
journal and talk about their feelings.
Later, Byron
admits his fear that if they let Aria out of the house, she will sleep with
every English teacher she sees. Ella is just like “She is going on a date to an
arcade with a boy we have known since he was in diapers. This date couldn’t be safer if it was an
arranged marriage.” Byron isn’t able to drop his obsession with Aria’s love
life though. When he goes to his car he finds a letter tucked under his wipers.
The letter tells him that an Ezbian date will be occurring at a Vegan Bistro
along with the time and address of said bistro. Byron races to his house so he
can give his daughter the 3rd degree.
Byron:
So where are you and Holden going tonight?
Aria: To a vintage arcade to play
vintage games that match my vintage outfit.
Byron: By Vintage arcade do you mean
Vegan Bistro. And by Vintage games do you mean sleeping with Mr. Fitz.
Ella
interrupts the conversation to give Aria some real words of wisdom. During the
conversation we learn that Holden has a heart condition, which is why he has to
hide his Tongue-Sa-Do activities.
Byron rushes
to the Vegan Bistro and stakes out a table. I can’t believe that Byron is just
blindly following A’s clue. Why is he not disturbed by the fact that a random, anonymous,
person is stalking his daughter? Byron is out of luck though, because Aria
decides to stand Ezra up. Instead she stealthily follows Holden to his Kung-Fu
gym to make sure he is safe. When she gets there he explains to Aria that he
has an aortic aneurism and that it can pop at any moment, so he is not going to
spend the rest of his life in front of the TV. Hold on a second Holden. What is
so wrong with spending your life in front of the TV. I resent you for making
that sound like a bad thing! Anywho, Aria stays to watch him fight and the rest
is pretty boring.
The best
scene of the night though is when Fitz heads to the Vegan Bistro and sees Mr.
Montgomery sitting there. His eyes pop out of their sockets and he legit jumps
5 feet in the air.
Law and Order
Over at the
precinct, Detective Douche and Officer Dumbass are staring at Caleb’s computer
(ugh yes, Det. Wilden is back). They are unsure of what to do next after their
failed attempts to open it with a can opener. Det. Wilden shows Garrett a new piece of
evidence that he has uncovered; a security snapshot of our Liars in their Candy
Striper outfits.
Meanwhile,
the Marin casa is being transformed to celebrate Emily’s return to swimming. Just
as Hanna starts icing Em’s cake, mamma Marin gets a call from the po-po. Hanna
has to go down to the station to answer some big questions. When they get
there, Dt. Wilden whips out the picture of the PLLs being sketchy outside of
the morgue wearing candy striper outfits.
Dt. Douche: Can you please explain to me why you were
outside the morgue this day in these outfits.
Hanna: We were just trying to imitate
Aria’s every day garb? What’s wrong with that?
Dt. Douche: What’s wrong is that all of
Ally’s autopsy reports are missing. Now tell me where they are.
Hanna: You can’t take away my MIND!
When The
Marin girls return home, Ashley just looks defeated.
Ashley: Okay Hanna, I’ve had enough
police activity for one lifetime. I am going to go upstairs to get drunk. Make
sure this party doesn’t get out of hand, and make sure no one steal my lasagna
money this time.
Spencer: Police? Did I hear police?
Hanna: Yeah, Dt. Douchebag is back and
has a picture of us looking for page 47 of the prophecy.
Spencer: Okay, that’s it guys. I
inexplicably have to go home.
Spencer goes
home for the first time in a week, and as always, the house is empty. She sees
her dad’s briefcase lying on the couch, and immediately goes to steal a check
from within. I LOVE badass Spencer. Unfortunately as soon as Spencer hears
footsteps she quickly aborts mission.
Mr. Hastings: Spencer, I know you’re mad
at me. You have to understand, I made a series of poor decisions.
Spencer: This wasn’t a business deal
dad. You had a really really creepy illegitimate son!
Mr. Hastings: I made a mistake. She
kept the baby and then they moved down to Georgia. I thought I was free and
clear once she left. But then they moved back to Rosewood in the house right
next to ours.
Spencer: And how did that make you
feel?
Mr. Hastings: Feel? I am not sure I
know what that word means.
Spencer: Well did you ever ask why they
moved to the house right next to ours?
Mr. Hastings: Nope, just assumed it was
a huge coincidence
Shark Attack
Back at the
party, Maya pulls Emily over to the side.
Maya: So my hippie parents found an old
joint lying around my room and they want to send me back to juvie.
Emily: Why did you have a joint? How
did they find it? You’re parents suck at being hippies!
Maya: When we moved out of Allison’s
house, we also decided to bring some of your dead friends stuff. The joint must
have gotten mixed up with her dresses, and my mom found it in there or
something.
Emily: Oh that makes total sense. But
Maya, I can’t say goodbye to you AGAIN!
(An hour
later)
Emily: Is that a joint you are smoking.
So that story you told me about your joint mixed up with Allison’s old clothes
being brought to your new house was just a web of lie? How could you do this to
me Maya? That joint wasn’t old was it?
Maya: What is old Emily. Old is just an
irrelevant measure that man made up. It is older than the joint that is in my
hand now.
Emily: How high ARE you?
Maya: Lets run away together. Let’s go
to the lesbian mecca of the world. San Francisco here we come. Throw away your
entire life and dreams and run away with me
Ems is
totally up for this. NOT. God Maya is a fucking nut job. Goodbye, Maya, and
please, can we welcome back Paige.
Team Work
Hanna calls
Caleb, who is at the police station. He tells her that “He is in a HOT SPOT
right now” and that he “needs her help.” Caleb has given in to the man, and has
agreed to log onto his computer. Also
did anyone else thing Dt. Douche got a bit pervy about watching Caleb enter his
password?
Luckily
Hanna was able to decipher Caleb’s clues and she Spencer to come help her.
Hanna: Please Spencer, tell you know
how to hack a computer.
Spencer: No Hans, I don’t. Pretty sure
that is why we are having your boyfriend work on that.
Hanna racks
through her brain to try and remember Caleb’s password. She gets through all of
the state abbreviations, and is only left with that pesky little number that
ends with an exclamation. If only she can remember what date Caleb would think
was important enough for an exclamation! Think Hanna think! Finally it comes to
her. Ah ha, the night that they made love under the owls.
Hanna: Okay we are in, what now?
Spencer: This is like looking into
Caleb’s brain. I guess we have to find those files
Hanna: That bitch hid them under “Hefty
Hanna.” That bitch!
Spencer: Delete those files Hanna. Control
A! Control A!
Hanna: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM TRYING TO
DO?
Spencer: The buttons you dumbass. Press
Ctrl- A.
Hanna is
able to Ctrl-A all of the illegally hacked highly sensitive Rosewood High
files, just in the nick of time. Dts. Douche and Dumbass watch the files
disappear before their eyes. There is no more evidence against Caleb and he is
free to go. HOORAYY!!!
After her
long ass day, Spencer heads back to the Hastings Manor. She is sitting on the
couch staring into an empty fireplace when she heard a knock on the door.
Her
half brother has come to pay her a visit. They bond over the fact that they
fight because they have the same dad, and then they thank god they never slept
together. I think we all thank god they
never slept together!
So what did
you guys think of the episode? Love it? Hate it? Let me know!
-APB
1 comments:
Hey great post APB! I like your comment on Jason's hair! it's soooo dreamyyyyyyyy.
But seriously awesome post, I love reading your shit, keep it coming.
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